Sigh.. nothing like a little break right?

Gah gotta love when life gets the best of you...
We have had busy after busy after hard times after good times... But all is well in the Ferrell home.
We have had ups and down with Liv's Urticaria Pigmentosa... We went to DISNEY WORLD!!! Carl is trying to crosstrain into a new career.... Rylei is about to start PRESCHOOL!! And with a deployment in our future life is going to be interesting. But I just wanted to say I am alive and I --HOPE-- to keep up with my blog.





 

The Progression of the Polka Dot Princess

So I posted about Olivia's skin disease, Urticaria Pigmentosa, a while back. So now Liv has an appointment at John Hopkins in Nov and I went through our pictures to make a progression timeline for the doctor to see.

No spots

This is when I figured out that what I thought was splotchy baby skin was always in the same spot. (back)

Her neck

tummy

When it first started to come on her face

Her "activated" spots after a bath
Moved down her arm

Then it moved to her legs

Her first true flair up.. We where at the pool for about an hour.. She had on a lower back swimsuit.. Sun had never bothered her before and it wasn't terribly warm either. (She wasn't in the pool)

The introduction of Cloth Diapers :-D

Liv on a good day, with her medication

To darn cute!

Rylei's Minnie Mouse Birthday Party

So better late than never right. Ry's birthday was Minnie Mouse themed. I got a lot of inspiration from the web and different blogs. I LOVED her banner (made with a cricut, Mickey and Friends Cartridge..)

This was what you saw when you walked in. The gift table and the Make Your Own Goodie bag station.

This was the goodie bag table. I made Chocolate Covered Pretzels and Chocolate Covered Marshmallows. My grandma made peanut butter fudge. And then I had Disney Silly Bandz,glasses, necklaces, and slinkies. The sign above the table said "Thanks for coming, it sure was a blast. Please fill up a goodie bag to remember the fun we had."
My Little Minnie... I can't believe she is 3..Once a good bit of the guest arrived we started eating. We did pizza, grape kabobs, mouse cheese, and other goodies.

My grandma, the girls, and I..

After everyone ate we did presents. There was a lot of help :-)

Then all the kiddos went out to play.

A while later it was time to come in for cupcakes and to sing Happy Birthday
"Make a wish"
She got all the candles with one shot
My little Rock Star

Trust

Am I the only one who has a hard time trusting people? Dumb question huh... I'm sure everyone has been lied to, lied on, or let down by a friend, leader, or lover at some point in their life... It's hard to deal with... Even as a kid I had a hard time trusting people.. With good reason. Be friends or family or "family" I always second guessed them... Tried to figure out the motive behind it.. That feeling never eased up. At Dyess I opened myself and got burned... I trusted "friends" and got hurt.. Whats worst is I crave approval. Its not a good trait but I know its true. I want people to like me..

What's even worse is when people gossip about your business... And I mean people that don't even know you... Its a good story so lets spread it, add a twist, and see where it goes. Its sickening... Especially in a military community or any community with a lot of women who are supposed to trust and depend on one another. How do you trust? How do you trust after being burned or hurt by someone you loved or cared about genuinely. Do you just trust in God to solve it all? Opps there's that "T" word! How can you trust when you don't know HOW to trust? Why don't they teach THAT in school.

On TV you see all the teens accusing the parents of not trusting them. I know one day that will be my girls. Do I lie to them and go "Oh yeah I trust you hunny." But will I be able to? I know I lied to my grandparents... Let them hear what they wanted to hear and then did what I wanted. And I'm sure they knew half of the time... But I guess that's something I will cross when it comes.. Talk about scary... :-/

What a month...

Holy cow its been an interesting month to say the least... Earth quakes, tornadoes, hurricanes... OH MY haha. Well We had Ry's birthday party and it was a blast. She LOVED it. I'll do a special blog on it as soon as my photog gets me the pictures. Hired someone so I didnt have to stress about it.. plus shes pretty awesome... heh
Grandma is here for one more week so I get to enjoy her :-)

We had a ped appointment for Olivia this week. On top of taking Zyrtec twice a day she is now taking Zantec twice a day to help with her tummy and its also an antihistamine. We where given a script for bynadrel for flare ups and an EpiPen Jr for emergencies. So now I have to carry a diaper bag full time again.. They took a good bit of blood to test it for allergies and intolerances. We where also given a referral to John Hopkins so thats exciting.

Liv is thriving though. She can really crawl now! First time she crawled was to Carls voice on the phone :-)

And since Kayleis birthday is coming up I made an event on Facebook for her. I just want everyone to do something nice for someone else on her birthday, Sept 6.

Urticaria Pigmentosa

So I havent talked about it on here mucj but Olivia has a skin condtion called Urticaria Pigmentosa or UP. Its a pediatric form of Mastocytosis. It is a none contagious skin disease. They do not have a cure for it nor do they know how or why it happens. There are too many inflammatory cells (mast cells) in her skin. The main symptom are brown spots on the skin which can become red and inflamed with rubbing... heat... cold... stress.. foods... etc... The spot can look much like a hive. It scratched it can become a fluid filled blister. It goes away by puberty in about half of the cases...

It really breaks my heart for my beautiful little girl.. Luckily most of Livs are on her tummy and back... This is her back after a bath.. the water irritates it a bit. This was a few months ago.. She has gotten more spots recently.

She has a few spots on her face but they arent nearly as bad as the ones on her back. They stay this color unless she gets really hot (like sometimes when she sleeps on my arm...) then they turn redish. Her back rarely looks this good due to clothing rubbing on it nearly all the time.Today she had her first bad reaction to the sun... Its the first time I thought they where going to blister...
I'm so nervous for when she starts school... Kids can be so mean when they find something a little different in a peer... We just have to teach her to love her polka dots and hope they find a way to help her ... and pray that they do fade for her...

Good video explanation

Somber Day...

Well the weather in Dover today reflects the bases mood I think... Its over cast... light breeze... not raining thankfully (for the families) but that would be appropriate.... The more I try to block out these emotions the harder they seem to hit... I don't know why I think I need to block them out but that's the only way I know how to deal...

Reasons like this make me so happy that Carl choose the job he did... At least I dont have to worry about him being outside of the base... Being in a helicopter... Being in a convoy.. I know if they needed him he would go in a heartbeat, but on the norm he will always be on base... I know bases get attacked but it seems (and maybe I'm naive) that not many are killed or badly injured on base. Thank God for small miracles right?

My heart aches for these families.. I cant fathom what they are feeling... I hope that at some point they are able to find peace in the thought that their sons and daughters are true heros and that people truly are thankful for the great sacrifice they have made... The ultimate sacrifice..

I hope people give them time to heal... I do know how it feels to be rushed into feeling better and it only makes it worse... It angers me with the media filming their every viewable move... I dont feel that the nation has the right to see this... Its family time. If your child or spouse died would you want to be watched as you grieved? 19 of the 30 families did not want the media there... (stated here)

My heart just skipped a beat and knees went weak... The helicopters just flew over to bring the generals in to do the Dignified Transfers... My heart truly aches right now.... For these families that I don't know...

Baby Blues

I never believed in postpartum depression... I always thought it was just women being whiny and seeking attention... But its a very real and almost scary thing.. Its so hard to understand I don't think I had a post postpartum but I do know I had the "baby blues". I felt like I was on a tight rope.. I'd go days without talking to anyone but Carl and the girls..How could I be sad when I had two healthy beautiful girls.. a husband that despite our troubles I loved with all my soul and who loved me with his whole heart... We had food in the pantry.. a roof over our head.. But most days I was so sad. And then I would get MAD. How the hell was I to be sad with everything I had?? What kind of selfish person was I? I felt like I didn't deserve any of it..Then I would get scared. What if I was just a crazy person and snapped one day?? (DISCLAIMER before someone calls CPS on me.. I have NEVER felt the need or urge to hurt my children nor have I ever harmed them.. I know I have people if I get stressed and need a break) I could feel myself getting frazzled far too easily. Things that use to not bug me would happen and I would literally have to grit my teeth. So many days and nights I just felt the NEED to cry.. Like I had a back up of tears. And I was so confused because I didn't understand why I felt this way.

But like all things it passed.. But the embarrassment lingers .. I really feel embarrassed to have felt all this. I love my girls with all my heart. I cant imagine a day without them. And Carl... if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have made it through those rough months.. I don't think he knows how much he really helped me. And now that I'm on my own and doing well its a challenge of discovering who I am and who I want to be... Because it changes you.

LOVE the Air Force

Gah people are going to stop reading my moody ranty post lol

Today I am thankful for my military life. Fellow military spouses have you said that lately? I'm so proud of my husband... and brother in law... and uncle... and cousin... and countless friends... for serving in the military... For being selfless enough to leave their homes to serve others... For putting their life on the line. I thought about joining several times... I think I would thrive in the military (cough cough >stickler for rules < cough) but I could never bear the thought of leaving our kids to even go through basic.

And heres the rant....

I cant believe how many "woman" BITCH about how they hate the military... How its RUINED their life... Hunny your husband CHOOSE to join... and by marring him... you signed up for the Silent Ranks. Not saying you have to be gong ho Military Wifey, involved in everything... but by damn you better support your husband... When you bitch moan and cry over something thats going to bring him down too...

My brother in law has one of the most dangerous jobs in the Air Force... Hes been injured more times than I probably care to know... But not ONCE have I heard him or his wife complain about it... He has missed half of his daughters life... But has never complained. He is proud to serve his country and I think most guys are. But yet get on facebook and you see the WIVES saying the Air Froce ruined their life and people agreeing? Seriously? Did you loose a leg? Did you loose your spouse? No? Then stfu! Do I miss my husband? Oh yeah. Everyday. But I'm not angry that hes gone... I just MISS him. Am I sad that he will miss Ryleis birthday? OH yeah... but I'm not bitter?

Just like when we wherent going to get paid... I saw "Well my husband isnt going to work" Oh really? Your that dumb?

"Military Yard Sign Being Sued"

Okay I'm sure I'm going to piss a ton of people off with this... But my blog ... my opinion...

Theres been a lot of stir on my facebook page about the poor family who is being sued because they have a sign in their yard. Its a lovely sign for their deployed son.

I am a FIRM believer in following rules. Makes life easier right? If you live in a neighborhood that has a Home Owners Association you sign an agreement... Normally this agreement.. This CONTRACT has rules that most people whole heartily agree too... Could be keeping your yard trimmed nicely... No tacky Christmas stuff... No signs.

This family AGREED to this condition. Just because your son is serving our country does not make you above the contract and everyone else in the neighborhood. The family claims others have signs in their yards. Okay.. Counter sue on that then. Make the rule be obeyed by all, or get it abolished. It peeves me that its made into a patriotic vs not thing...

This is open and shut for me. Did you sign the contract? Well there ya go!

I have an Air Force sticker on my car. Does that mean I can speed and run red lights because my husband is serving our country? Same token right?

Not wanting a large sign in your neighborhood doesn't make you unpatriotic.... Having a sign doesnt MAKE you patriotic and jumping on the support bandwagon doesn't either..

I haven't read all the reports on this because it does annoy me... Just like I didn't keep up with Casey Anthony because it sickened me..

And I hit the wall...

I knew it was coming... It always come... Today I hit the deployment wall... Its been a down right RAWR of a day... Nothing AWFUL happened... Nothing that cant be fixed but it just hit it down... I honestly want to be in the corner and cry. But tomorrow will be better and I have to be strong for the girls. So many little irritating things today... Sick of waiting on maintenance... post office returned carls cards because I was 5 cents short on postage (so now I have to get all new stamps and envelopes since they stamped these..) the "Free oil change" on base isn't free at all.. I have to buy the oil and the filter?? and I screwed up the checking account...

But tomorrow is a new day and I will be over it... I'm just ready for August... Seriously. The girls have been so sweet.. even with me being crabby. I'm so blessed to be able to give them big hugs and enjoy their humor...

As if I needed another reason to love Disney they posted this on their facebook earlier... Perfect timing... “Dig down deep inside yourself, you’ll find out what you need, blue skies and sunshine guaranteed.” - Mama Odie


Ah life goes on....

Deployment... First Full Day

The day started okay.. Both girls ended up in bed with me over the course of the morning hours. Olivia woke around :820 and woke Rylei soon after. I took a few deep breaths to prepare myself for the day... We all laid in bed for awhile and then Ry stood up and looked out the window.. "Daddys home!!" she shouted.. She had seen his truck in the driveway. "No baby... Daddy flew in an airplane to go fix planes and help people remember? He's deployed hun". She just gave me a confused look at first. "Daddy in airplane. Hes fixing planes." she said. The morning went quickly and easily with several questions about when daddy would be home and a lot of "I miss Daddys". Anyone know how to teach the concept of time to an almost 3 year old? But at least she was okay. At one point she heard a truck fo by and ran to the door saying its daddy.. And another time she head a C-5 fly overhead and said it was daddys plane coming back. Olivia hasnt noticed much.. Think she may notice the lack of his arms though.. I finally got caught up on laundry.. I found a shirt Carl had worn by the clean laundry and it smells just like him... I tucked it into my night stand but I know the smell will quickly fade. Bed time was a little rougher... I gave Ry her old daddy doll which she snuggled.. As I was walking out her room she said "Mommy... I miss Daddy... Can we get him now?" I just smiled and told her good night.. I later found her in my bed in Carls spot... And shes been there every night since.

Now a few days in and were still doing good. Missing Daddy :-) The girls Lola (Carls mom) ordered Ry and new daddy doll since the old one was "Chubby Carl" lol I've been keeping up with my P90X... And I'm not dead yet.. Though we may melt in this heat wave... Its hotter here than where Carl is! Gotta love it...

And so it begins...

For OPSEC reasons this is posted later than I wrote it obviously :-) Gotta keep them all safe


Ahhh the panic ensues as our second deployment has arrived... To be totally honest Ive been blocking out this moment... Outta site, outta mind kinda?? I mean obviously weve talked about it... I went over paperwork... Will... PoA... Copy of his orders all in my lock box for safe keeping... But I haven't thought about the fact that I will be a single mom of TWO far from home this time with no thought of intervention... Sure I have a handful of AMAZING ladies here for me and being key spouse I know who to reach out to if I need help... And I will be fine.. I know... But that initial shock of being alone will hit hard tomorrow as we leave Carl at the squadron... We've been having such an amazing time together... And off he goes.. But its only 4 short months.. Cake right? Our first was 7.. So this leads me to my deployment goals.. I want to give the house a facelift... It still doesn't feel homey to me.. I get to do Ry's birthday party on my own and its going to be AMAZING. I have to start planning Olivia's first birthday party <3.. And Christmas and Halloween and thanksgiving.. lol But I really want to work on ME. I'm starting p90x Monday and I'm GOING to do the whole program.. I want to be in shape... and I WILL be in shape.

Music and Emotion

I dont care who you are music effects you... Music can psych me out for the gym, mellow me out, make me fall all over again, or want to ride around in the sun... But it also makes me sad... Songs always strike a cord... 3 songs come to mind right now...

I was watching videos on youtube of So You Think You Can Dance... (Because 2 nights a week just aren't enough...) While watching my usual favs one came on that always gets me... Not really the dance because I interrupt the song differently... But its a John Mayer song called "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" . I cant listen to that song without crying... I first heard it a while after we lost Kaylei... I honestly try to avoid this song at all cost because there's nothing happy or redeeming about it... It just hammers the fact in that she is gone and I can't be with her... But if I hear a clip of it I have to listen to the whole thing through or I can't rest...

Another song that reminds me of her is "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls. That song calms me I think... I explained this in my first blog about Kaylei "Thinking of Angels".

"It Won't Be This Way for Long" by Darius Rucker gets me too... Life is just son incredibly short... Everything goes so very fast... It makes me think about how often when times are "rough" and we wish it would go quickly... How often do you wish life and time away? I swear it feels like Olivia was born yesterday and shes already half a year old... All those screaming fits she went though... I won't get those back... (Well maybe I don't want THOSE back...) but shes growing so fast... And so is Rylei... Shes so stinking smart it kills me...

I haven't been sleeping well at all... In Louisiana on vacation I was asleep by midnight every single night. I had no trouble getting to sleep... But now that I'm back home... It was a wake up that life doesn't stop for you... With a fastly approaching deployment and a great friend PCSing shortly its like wow no wonder I can't sleep. Being here makes it all so real. And I'm exploring my emotions more... I know its not healthy or smart but I have always just pushed the unpleasant memories or things I didn't like to the back of my mind and tried to forget... Well now they're all rushing forward... Especially Kaylei... I'm ashamed of myself for not thinking of her each and everyday... But it was to hard and I was to weak. She has been in my mind none stop lately... I really need to explore all these emotions... And ones from when I was a child... Memories of abuse and neglect. God Bless my grandparents for being there to save me... I'm not sure if my blog is the place for them though... The last thing I want is for people to thing I'm writing them for attention or not telling the truth even.. Heh yeah some of it is THAT out there...

But that leads me to another song :-) "Alright"

Questions to myself...

Why do I let anger build inside me over something that is done and over with?
Why do I let things that have hurt me play like a record in my head?
I wish I could take other peoples advice and learn to trust myself and move on... But I guess its from a lifetime of let downs and lies that I have a hard time with it. So much of my life is perfect, but I let the bad times overpower me far to often... I have met so many sincere, thoughtful people ... But its always in my head... "Why would they be nice to me?" "why do they care about ME?" "Whats the catch?" I hate being like that.... Its something I need to work on and will... As a good friend told me recently I need to trust myself and realize that I'm just as empowered as anyone...