Baby Blues

I never believed in postpartum depression... I always thought it was just women being whiny and seeking attention... But its a very real and almost scary thing.. Its so hard to understand I don't think I had a post postpartum but I do know I had the "baby blues". I felt like I was on a tight rope.. I'd go days without talking to anyone but Carl and the girls..How could I be sad when I had two healthy beautiful girls.. a husband that despite our troubles I loved with all my soul and who loved me with his whole heart... We had food in the pantry.. a roof over our head.. But most days I was so sad. And then I would get MAD. How the hell was I to be sad with everything I had?? What kind of selfish person was I? I felt like I didn't deserve any of it..Then I would get scared. What if I was just a crazy person and snapped one day?? (DISCLAIMER before someone calls CPS on me.. I have NEVER felt the need or urge to hurt my children nor have I ever harmed them.. I know I have people if I get stressed and need a break) I could feel myself getting frazzled far too easily. Things that use to not bug me would happen and I would literally have to grit my teeth. So many days and nights I just felt the NEED to cry.. Like I had a back up of tears. And I was so confused because I didn't understand why I felt this way.

But like all things it passed.. But the embarrassment lingers .. I really feel embarrassed to have felt all this. I love my girls with all my heart. I cant imagine a day without them. And Carl... if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have made it through those rough months.. I don't think he knows how much he really helped me. And now that I'm on my own and doing well its a challenge of discovering who I am and who I want to be... Because it changes you.