Music and Emotion

I dont care who you are music effects you... Music can psych me out for the gym, mellow me out, make me fall all over again, or want to ride around in the sun... But it also makes me sad... Songs always strike a cord... 3 songs come to mind right now...

I was watching videos on youtube of So You Think You Can Dance... (Because 2 nights a week just aren't enough...) While watching my usual favs one came on that always gets me... Not really the dance because I interrupt the song differently... But its a John Mayer song called "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" . I cant listen to that song without crying... I first heard it a while after we lost Kaylei... I honestly try to avoid this song at all cost because there's nothing happy or redeeming about it... It just hammers the fact in that she is gone and I can't be with her... But if I hear a clip of it I have to listen to the whole thing through or I can't rest...

Another song that reminds me of her is "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls. That song calms me I think... I explained this in my first blog about Kaylei "Thinking of Angels".

"It Won't Be This Way for Long" by Darius Rucker gets me too... Life is just son incredibly short... Everything goes so very fast... It makes me think about how often when times are "rough" and we wish it would go quickly... How often do you wish life and time away? I swear it feels like Olivia was born yesterday and shes already half a year old... All those screaming fits she went though... I won't get those back... (Well maybe I don't want THOSE back...) but shes growing so fast... And so is Rylei... Shes so stinking smart it kills me...

I haven't been sleeping well at all... In Louisiana on vacation I was asleep by midnight every single night. I had no trouble getting to sleep... But now that I'm back home... It was a wake up that life doesn't stop for you... With a fastly approaching deployment and a great friend PCSing shortly its like wow no wonder I can't sleep. Being here makes it all so real. And I'm exploring my emotions more... I know its not healthy or smart but I have always just pushed the unpleasant memories or things I didn't like to the back of my mind and tried to forget... Well now they're all rushing forward... Especially Kaylei... I'm ashamed of myself for not thinking of her each and everyday... But it was to hard and I was to weak. She has been in my mind none stop lately... I really need to explore all these emotions... And ones from when I was a child... Memories of abuse and neglect. God Bless my grandparents for being there to save me... I'm not sure if my blog is the place for them though... The last thing I want is for people to thing I'm writing them for attention or not telling the truth even.. Heh yeah some of it is THAT out there...

But that leads me to another song :-) "Alright"