Thinking of Angels...

So last night I came across this blog The Staats.



Today is a hard day for the Staats... I don't know how they feel... but I do.. I've never met them and probably never will but their story hits home. Their 4 month old baby girl is being put to rest today. My girls are wearing bows for her angel... and mine...







In her blog (posted above) she said "They shouldn't make caskets that small" but sadly they are...And we know this all too well. I couldn't sleep last night. I actually hand wrote this so I could get it all off my mind, Most people don't know about our Kaylei... and those who do don't know much. Some don't want to know because it can be hard to hear but I want to share it. Kaylei Roxanne is our angel. I don't have a problem sharing it and never have but I'm going to share more than I ever have before.


I found out I was pregnant on May 3rd 2007. My due date was Jan 2, 2008... My birthday. We where so excited. We told everyone it was a "surprise" baby but she wasn't.. We planned for her. I wanted a baby so bad even though I knew we where young and not really "set" for one. We first heard her heartbeat on May 28th and if that isn't music to any ones ears then I don't know what is... It was magical. I first felt her move on Aug 2.. It seemed like a normal pregnancy... I had no problems what so ever ... But a little over a month later it was over...


The only problem we faced was around Aug 20th... I went into the er because my stomach hurt so bad I felt like I couldn't move. We where there from 11pm-8am just to be told I was constipated (which I wasn't...). But we got to see Kaylei and actually found out she was a girl then. A few days before my last OB appt I noticed that I didn't feel her kicking much... I asked a few ladies about it and all said it was normal not to feel the baby all the time.. I said okay and let it go.. But I think deep down I knew..


On Sept 5 I went to a normal OB check up. The nurse went to check the baby's heartbeat just like every other appt... She couldn't find it.. She said she was sure the doctor would find it. After she left Carl looked at me terrified and asked what I thought (he knew I hadn't felt much movement) and I just lost it and said he wasn't helping.. I glared at a garden picture on the wall with tears swelling in my eyes... I knew... The doctor came in and tried for about 5 mins to get a heartbeat... He didn't say anything but picked up the phone and called the office next door to do an emergency ultrasound... One of his nurses walked us around the corner into the back way to ultrasound. I laid on the table and the tech put the gel on my stomach... After less than a minute the look on her face said it all... Carl saw it too... "What is it??" he asked... She couldn't say anything but "It doesn't look good" and left to get the doctor. The doctor came in and our worst nightmare was confirmed... There was no heartbeat.. Our Angel was gone... They gave us a moment.. Carl broke down in loud sobbing tears... I couldn't do anything but let a steady flow of tears out that I had been holding in since the appt began...




After that we had to go back to the doctors office to make plans about what we where going to do. He gave us the option to be induced that night, or wait until we wanted, or wait it out... Carl wanted to wait but I didn't. He told us was could call back when we wanted to decide. On the way home I called my grandma. I called after every appt... She cheerfully asked how it went... I said shes gone. She screamed back "What? What do you mean shes gone Alden??" I tried to explain what we knew but we honestly didn't know anything. They couldn't tell on the ultrasound what was wrong. Carl and I laid on our bed crying for what seemed like hours... I think we took a nap too. We decided to go in that night... I called the nurse and let them know and was told to go to the hospital at 7 that night.. I went to work and dropped off my lesson plans and told them what happened.. Then we went to the hospital...


When we got there all the nurses where expecting us. A sweet older nurse came in with a box for us.. It was a loss kit.. It had a book about grief and losing a child, a stuffed animal for the baby, a disposable camera, and a few other odds and ends. They also put a card on my door. A leaf with a tear drop so that no employees would come in cheerfully asking how our baby was or something. They started me on medication.. Double the normal dose since they didn't have to worry about the baby and to speed it along since I had showed no signs of dilation or anything.



Kaylei Roxanne came into the world asleep at 10:36 AM on Sept 6, 2007. She was 9 inches long and 11.4oz. Nurses delivered her unceremoniously... The first nurse was shocked that we wanted to hold her but the others where not... They cleaned her up and wrapped her like a normal baby with a tiny shirt and cap and gave her to Carl. Carl held her until he had to go to the base for paperwork and get a loan for her funeral expenses. I still hadn't held her.. and didn't want too.. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sometime later a sweet nurse came in to warn me that someone from the funeral home would be there in about 30 mins and it would be my last chance to hold her.. So I did... And then all I could do was cry because I let her get cold... It was all I could think. How awful was I for not wanting to hold my own child?? Soon after a man came in with a towel.. They put her in the towel and he held it by the 4 corners... I can never get that image out of my head... I thought how crude? I'm sure he just didn't know how to handle the situation... Who wants to be in that position anyway? A song plays in my head every time I think about this time though... As I watched the man walk away the song When Your Gone runs through my mind... "When you walk away I count the steps that you take.. Do you see how much I need you right now?"


We where told that we lost her due to cord torrison... Which basiclly means her cord got knotted up... But since we moved to Delaware we where told it was probably something else and we should have done an autopsy... But we didn't.. We couldn't imagine that... So we may never know the real reason but we don't plan on having any other children .



We had to drive Kaylei to Bossier to be buried.. We picked her up from the funeral home in a little ivory and gold casket. I'm not sure if its all they had or if Carl picked it out... I never asked.. Carl was so strong through all of this.. He made all the plans and actually had to talk about it to people... At the time I couldn't talk about it... I just wanted to sleep and be invisible... We met our family in Louisiana at the funeral home. We made plans with them and they set up a viewing for the family... Some wanted to do an open casket but we decided against it... A song plays in my head when I think about it... Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "And I don't want the world to see me (her).. Because I don't think that they'd understand".... All that was going through my mind for all of this was that I wanted her to have a bigger headstone... I was disappointed that the loan was for just a basic marker and we weren't able to pick one for her... Maybe one day we can get a new one.... 32 people came to her service on Sept 11... I was shocked because I didn't know that many people knew about it... Family came in from Texas and a lot of our high school teachers came. But the service is all a blur to me honestly...

This is a much more recent picture of the stone...

One thing I do remember from the service was a little green moth that kept landing on me no matter how many times it was brushed away. I whole heartily believe this was Kaylei's way of telling me it was okay.. I still see that moth often... Especially when I'm down...

So count your blessings... daily... Be thankful for what you have.. Especially your children... SO many would love the chance to have children... or to be with their children... Pray for those who have lost... and for those not able to experience the joy of parenthood... And I pray you will never have to experience it... or if you have.. my heart is just with you.... Loss at any stage..

And many may think its morbid but we took pictures of her before her funeral... and I think this is the only one I feel comfortable sharing... Her last picture with her daddy...