Why do I let anger build inside me over something that is done and over with? Why do I let things that have hurt me play like a record in my head? I wish I could take other peoples advice and learn to trust myself and move on... But I guess its from a lifetime of let downs and lies that I have a hard time with it. So much of my life is perfect, but I let the bad times overpower me far to often... I have met so many sincere, thoughtful people ... But its always in my head... "Why would they be nice to me?" "why do they care about ME?" "Whats the catch?" I hate being like that.... Its something I need to work on and will... As a good friend told me recently I need to trust myself and realize that I'm just as empowered as anyone...
I love to blog about Kaylei... It's the easiest way to talk about her I guess... I don't have to worry about saying to much or people getting uneasy... Because if it makes you uneasy or uncomfortable easy stop reading :-). I don't like making people feel that way and when talking about a child that has passed most people don't know what to say or do. And it makes them uneasy. Hell I don't know what to say a lot of the time when I find out that someone I know has a child that has passed. A week ago I went shopping for her. I got hear a beautiful stone with butterflies on it that says “No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why”. It's completely true.. I also got her a flag with a dove and rainbow that says "My Angel" and an angel set of wind chimes. I'm thinking of them as birthday gifts since we wont be able to be down here on her birthday... But I know someone will see her for us.
The episode of "The Secret Life of an American Teenager" 2 weeks ago was rough... I was warned was going to happen on it but I didn't think it would bother me... I've been through loss... I know what its like to lose a baby. Why would a TV character (one that I don't care for mind you) bother me? Well I watched it... And I bawled... It hit every nerve in me... The actors NAILED the emotion... EspeciallyFranciaRaisa who plays Adiran.. Just seeing her face crumble like it did brought tears to my eyes. And Steve Schirripa who plays Leo Boykewich (Ben's father.. grandfather of the baby). The emotion was SO real... Kudos for to Secret Life for putting something like this out there tastefully and emotionally.
